


Pandora's Box

by Amberstarry



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Humour, M/M, Rimster, Romance, upcoming smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-03
Updated: 2015-11-03
Packaged: 2018-04-29 18:14:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5137694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amberstarry/pseuds/Amberstarry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Here’s a question: What do you get when you take one hologram, one customisation program, one horny human and combine the three?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pandora's Box

**Author's Note:**

> Hello Dwarfers!
> 
> So I got the urge to start this story last week but unfortunately I had to finish off the last of my uni assessments before I could give it my full attention. Originally this was going to be a oneshot but I'm going over to visit my nan for a few days, it's half-past midnight and I feel like I arrived at a good place to end this part, so I thought I'd split it down the middle!
> 
> I hope you enjoy the first part of this silly little smut story :D
> 
> Amber***

Here’s a question: What do you get when you take one hologram, one customisation program, one horny human and combine the three?

Rimmer squinted at the box in his hands.

He didn’t like it, not one bit.

There had been several questionable items that they had salvaged from derelict spaceships, and Rimmer was always the first to announce his disapproval of the needless or outright ridiculous finds Lister and the Cat made when they scavenged for supplies. Often times he tried to point out the weight limit on the ship, and how they should only take the things completely necessary for survival; of course the other two had different ideas and tended to take anything and everything that caught their eyes. This led to a multitude of miscellanea being brought onto Red Dwarf for himself and Kryten to sift through, and eventually toss, after Lister or the Cat became bored with their loot. Speaking of Kryten, at least he could be counted on to only collect appropriate supplies - if only the same could be said of certain slobs and their filthy pets…

So as you can imagine the box in Rimmer’s hand, which was the most recent of absurd items brought onto the ship - a hologram customisation program - did not appeal to the second technician in the slightest. In fact it slightly made him want to gag. Incidentally, this particular find happened to be Lister’s, which made it all the more disturbing for Rimmer. What could Lister have possibly wanted with this? Why did he even pick it up? And if he did have a valid reason, shouldn’t he have consulted Rimmer anyway? It was him who this program was obviously intended for, he didn’t see any other holograms running around on Red Dwarf.

Needless to say, Rimmer scarcely thought twice before he went to toss the box into the reject pile that was already a good foot high. He would have actually finished the action too if it weren’t for Lister entering the sleeping quarters at that very moment and barking at him to stop before he discarded the object in his hand.

“What do you think you’re doin’?” Lister demanded, walking over and snatching the box from Rimmer’s fingers.   
  
Rimmer shifted his weight and stood to attention, unconsciously making himself taller than Lister in the process. “Just sorting through your latest haul of crap, Listy, nothing interesting.”

Lister put the box down on the table holding the rest of the unsorted miscellanea he had decided to take on their last salvage mission. “It’s not crap Rimmer, it’s my stuff now and you can’t keep goin’ through it and chuckin’ what you deem unacceptable.”

“I can, I have and I will,” Rimmer quipped, flashing Lister a half-Rimmer salute in pompous self-congratulation.

“I’ve taken these things for a reason you know!” Lister said, becoming increasingly agitated.

Rimmer relaxed and let his shoulders drop. “Do enlighten me then, what reason could you possibly have for a hologram customisation program?”

Lister seemed to stiffen at this question. “I dunno,” he mumbled, looking over his shoulder awkwardly, away from Rimmer.

“Then you shouldn’t have any problem with me getting rid of it,” Rimmer stated with conviction, once again picking up the box to throw it in the rubbish pile.

Before Rimmer knew what was happening, Lister had leapt on him reaching for the box, and knocked both of them onto the ground. Rimmer adamantly held the box above his head, just out of Lister’s reach as he tried to make a grab for it. A scuffle ensued with Rimmer and Lister wriggling around on the floor fighting for possession of the item.

“Give it to me, Rimmer!” Lister shouted, finally getting to his knees and giving himself a better reach for the box. Lister made for it, but before he could grab the box Rimmer quickly rolled out of the way causing the third technician to slam his hand onto the ground instead. “Ow!”

Rimmer scrambled to his feet. “Serves you right! Tackling a superior officer! If the captain was still alive I’d so be writing you up right now!”

“Spare me the lecture,” Lister retorted, rubbing his hand as he got to his feet again. He shot Rimmer a glare and walked over to his bed. “You’re a right prick, you know that?”

Rimmer watched as Lister climbed the ladder to his bunk. That was it? Lister was giving up just like that? It seemed like drama for nothing. He looked down at the box in his hand and turned it over. He repeated this several times, contemplating the scenario that had just played out. If Lister was willing to tackle him to the ground, this must have been pretty important, but it had something to do with Rimmer so he couldn’t just let it slide. Unless it didn’t have anything to do with him… Rimmer snapped his head up and gazed at Lister who was now lying in his bunk staring at the ceiling.

“This is for Kochanski?”

Lister looked over at him and shrugged. “It’s not like you’re going to give it to me anyway, so I’m not going to confirm nor deny.”

The second technician stared at him for a few moments then returned his eyes to the box. “Well, I still don’t approve,” Rimmer muttered, turning around. He decided to test Lister as he walked towards the hall outside the sleeping quarters. “You’re right though, this may be more useful than I first appreciated. I’m going to put this away somewhere you’ll never find it just in case.”

Behind Rimmer’s back, Lister watched wordlessly as the hologram disappeared into the recesses of the ship. He wasn’t worried really. Rimmer was very predictable. Eventually, that box would be back in his hands and there was nothing that Rimmer could do about it.

 

******

 

It was night and all the lights on the ship had been switched off to conserve energy. In the sleeping quarters, Rimmer lay in his bunk sound asleep; Lister, however, was up and ready to cause all manner of mischief. Quietly, he climbed out of his bed and tiptoed his way out of the room, making sure he didn’t wake his bunkmate. Once he was in the corridor, he began to sprint away from the sleeping quarters until he was deep enough into the ship that he could yell “Hol! Lights!” without startling Rimmer awake. The lights flickered on and Lister continued on his way, this time walking at a leisurely pace so he could catch his breath (he really should have kept up a fitness regime, he was so unfit). It took about half an hour for Lister to finally arrive at his destination but when he did he found himself in front of the ship's storage lockers. It didn’t take a genius to figure out Rimmer’s hiding spots as the guy wasn’t very creative, even at the best of times. So when Rimmer put away the box “somewhere [Lister] would never find”, Lister immediately knew that he was going straight to his storage locker on D deck.

The third technician wound his way through the labyrinth of identical lockers until he came to the number he was looking for. He pulled out the crowbar and hammer he had sneakily hidden in his bed before the argument he had had with Rimmer the day before took place, anticipating that something exactly like this might happen, and went to work prying Rimmer’s locker away from its latch. It took about fifteen minutes and some old-fashioned elbow-grease, but soon enough the locker popped open, the door whacking the locker next to it and sending a loud clanging sound echoing through the locker bay. Lister peered into the locker eagerly - lo and behold, the customisation program sat on the middle shelf directly at Lister’s eye level. He reached in, took it and wasted no time hurrying out of the locker bay to put his plan into action.

 

******

 

Rimmer woke with a loud yawn and threw his lanky legs over the side of the bed, stretching his arms as he sat up. As far as mornings went, this seemed like a fairly ordinary one. Lister was above him, still fast asleep and snoring extremely loudly. The sleeping quarters were in disarray, the piles of objects that were in the midst of being sorted still only half finished (Rimmer had been put off the day before what with all the hubbub), and Rimmer himself was a disheveled mess. At least that’s what Rimmer himself assumed, because he was usually a dishevelled mess when he first woke up in the morning.

He stood from his bed and walked over to the mirror to inspect himself so he could assess the damage. When he peered into the mirror through his bleary sleep-impaired vision he almost fell over backwards. He must have still been in a dream, like one of those dreams where you dream you’ve woken up with really you’re still in the dream, because what he was looking at in the mirror could not be real. He rubbed his eyes and looked at himself again, but nothing had changed. He then decided to pinch himself as hard as he could several times to eliminate the possibility of his dream theory. When he didn’t magically snap awake and find himself lying in his bunk, but remained staring dumbfoundedly in the mirror, he concluded that he finally must have lost the last bit of sanity he’d been clinging to for the last three-million-years since he had died.

“HOLLY! HOLLY! RESPOND TO ME YOU STUPID COMPUTER”

Rimmer’s sudden shout jolted Lister awake and he blearily rubbed his eyes as he began to register what was happening. Rimmer was awake and yelling for Holly at the top of his lungs, and the computer was taking her sweet time to answer him. The third technician felt a small smile creeping it’s way onto his features. He knew exactly why Rimmer was so flustered, and not only was it hilarious, but it was exactly according to his plan.

Holly’s face replaced the reflection Rimmer had been looking at. She scowled at Rimmer angrily. “I’m not stupi- Oh my god, what happened to you?!”

The second technician balled his hands into fists and held them stiffly to his sides. “I don’t know, you tell me!”

The computer looked the hologram up and down and tilted her head to the side in a way that implied an invisible shrugging gesture. “Well it looks like you’ve dressed yourself up in a corset, g-string, stockings with suspenders and high-heels, and done your make-up so you look like Frank’n’Furter. Oh, and you painted your fingernails too.”

Rimmer shook in anger. From up in Lister’s position, it looked like he was about to explode.

“WHY AM I DRESSED LIKE THIS?” He demanded, ready to kill anything that came within a metre of him.

Holly bit her lip, trying not to laugh. “I dunno. I didn’t do it.”

“YOU MUST OF!” Rimmer insisted, “YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WITH ACCESS TO MY CONTROLS! Unless…” He turned away from Holly and looked up into Lister’s bunk, making eye-contact with the third-technician for the first time since he had woken up. If he was surprised that Lister was already awake and listening in to the drama, he didn’t show it. “Somebody went in and manually changed things,” he finished, staring directly at Lister.

Holly could sense things were about to get a lot tenser and decided to spare herself the hassle. “I’m going to leave you two alone,” she said quickly, flicking off screen before Rimmer could turn back and protest.

He focused back on Lister and snarled. “You went into my control room and did this to me!”

Lister just smiled and nodded. “Yeah.”

“Why are you smiling! There’s nothing to smile about!” Rimmer was so worked up he actually stomped over to the ladder and managed to hook his heels over the rungs to climb up, just so he could get right up in Lister’s face and let him know how angry he was.

The last human watched bemused as Rimmer pulled himself up the ladder until he was eye-to-eye with him. “You’re going to get it!” The hologram hissed and he leaned forward in an effort to be menacing.

Lister chuckled and shook his head. “Not before you do first!” And before Rimmer could react Lister had closed the gap between them that he had already been minimising with his wannabe-scaremongering. The hologram’s eyes widened and he went rigid, staring at the wall behind Lister’s head.

What the _smeg_ was happening?

 


End file.
